my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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