Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
