you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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