I accidentally burped into my bong.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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