It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
