we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
