Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Randomize
