i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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