I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
