Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i love accidental penises.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
