Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize