So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
