Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
