just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
A+ Viking dick
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
