he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
