Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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