I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
