And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
