I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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