My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
