He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize