the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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