I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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