Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
