You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
