she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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