when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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