I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
