Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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