I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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