you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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