I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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