oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
