She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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