As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
