i already hear my dad disowning me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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