He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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