arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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