I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize