is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
