I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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