You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i think im in europe. pls send help
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize