You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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