So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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