no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
