sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize