I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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