my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
