if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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