If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
