i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
