Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
