I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
