Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
