Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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