I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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