toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
how drunk are you?
Several
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
