dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
