I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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