i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
