Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
