i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
