when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
