I just saw a hot homeless man
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
